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Desk area

Had to put a Houzz photo here in order to save it.  This is what I would like my desk area to look like.

“Ice on the Floor”

I was reading a post from a dear friend who had recently lost her dear husband. My heart just aches for her as she traverses that long, winding road of loss and remembrance.

It’s been 5 years since we lost our dear son, Jordan. I’m still walking down that long & winding road. When I reach the end, it will be when I see my dear son again in Glory!

My friend was talking about seeing things that painfully reminded her of her loss. That brought my memory back to the ‘ice on the floor’.

I had a fridge with an ice dispenser in the door. No matter how careful I was, I would always, and I mean ALWAYS drop at least one ice cube on the floor. Sure enough…Jordan’s laughter would ring out and he’d say something like “Go, Mom!” It was an almost every-day occurrence.

Fast forward to the first ice dispensing after he left…yep…there goes the ice cube. I heard the laughter in my heart – I smiled. It was like a visit from Jordan.

Some memories bring more pain than others…but…I reserved this one to bring a smile. I needed that. But…now my door dispenser is broken and I only have the ice maker in the bottom of my freezer. But, no worries, I manage somehow, some way to sometimes drop an ice cube on the floor. Maybe it’s on purpose now? Who knows? Just the memory itself is enough for now.

“Ok, Jordan…laugh it up – I’ll be seeing you again, someday!” Love – your Mama ♥

My Dream…

Three years since I’ve posted. I guess I just needed a break from writing down my thoughts & just live with them for a while. Grief is like that – you never know what road you’re going to take until you are halfway down the lane.

I want to talk about the dream I had. Right after Jordan died, his sisters kept telling me they had such a vivid dream about Jordan. I felt left out…I said to God, “I want one, please!!!” Weeks go by…and then the burial. Alaska’s ground is frozen in the winter so we couldn’t bury him after the Memorial service…we had to wait 2 months for the ground to thaw.

That was when my dream came.

We had just come home to Valdez from Anchorage…we fell into bed that night, exhausted mentally & physically. The dream started…it was one of those that you are half aware you are dreaming. You’re living in it and watching it at the same time. I could see the casket up ahead…I walked down the winding path leading to it. The tent was in place, no one else was there. I walked around the casket – the head piece was open and I could see Jordan’s quietly serene face.

I continued to gaze…when, suddenly, I saw an eye flutter…then more. And more…I turned around and screamed “Bob!!! Bob!!!” And when I turned back around, the coffin was empty! I looked up and saw Jordan arm in arm with a man…walking away from me down a winding pathway…this scripture ran through my head: “I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in Me, though he were dead, yet shall he live:” John 11:25

I bolted awake and quickly told Bob about so I wouldn’t forget. But, I’ll never forget that sweet, wonderful, comforting dream. Thank you, Jesus, for that gift!

A Happy Sadness

Doing dishes…making dinner when one of my favorite songs comes on KLove – Mercy Me – “I Can Only Imagine”

 

I had to stop & post my thoughts while I can.  I’m having mixed emotions – my former daughter-in-law married last month & I am truly happy for her.  But, I feel a closing of another life I will not have much part in.  I am happy for her that she will not be alone & that she found someone she can be happy with.  I don’t want her to be alone.

I’m sad for the passing of my precious son, Jordan.  If I didn’t have the hope of Heaven, I would be most miserable.  I can set my sights on that day when I will see him again.  This life is but a vapor & being human, I feel the dreadful slow passing of finite time until that day.  I don’t want to wallow in sadness…Jordan wouldn’t want that.  I am glad I can keep his memory alive with every thought & prayer.

I Can Only Imagine

I can only imagine
What it will be like
When I walk
By your side

I can only imagine
What my eyes will see
When your face
Is before me
I can only imagine

[Chorus:]
Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I
fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine

I can only imagine

I can only imagine
When that day comes
When I find myself
Standing in the Son

I can only imagine
When all I will do
Is forever
Forever worship You

I can only imagine

Surrounded by Your glory, what will my heart feel
Will I dance for you Jesus or in awe of you be still
Will I stand in your presence or to my knees will I
fall
Will I sing hallelujah, will I be able to speak at all
I can only imagine

I can only imagine
————————————————

Homesick

I don’t know about you but I do this a lot.  Listen to music and because I don’t quite catch all the words, it just becomes background music.  Which is fine because I will eventually really ‘hear’ it.  Today, for some reason, I grew very tired after a good nights sleep, even, laid down with my KLove on of course!  This song came on.  I finally ‘heard’.

I’ve been really missing Jordan lately & this puts my feelings into words.  Mercy Me was one of Jordan’s favorite Christian bands so it makes it that much more special.  This one’s from your Mama’s heart, dear son…I love you so very much.

This is my favorite Bible verse – I will be so glad when He does this for me ♥

“He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’ or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”  Revelation 21:4

“Homesick”

by Mercy Me

You’re in a better place, I’ve heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I’ve rejoiced for you
But the reason why I’m broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
I’ve never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don’t understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I’ll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I’m still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
I’ve never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I’ll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home’s where my heart is then I’m out of place
Lord, won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won’t you give me strength to make it through somehow

 

 

“Power to Change”

Power to Change

I’ve been looking for something like this – an interactive Bible study tool.

These lessons are a great way to dig a little deeper into a topic that interests you. Just read the material provided and respond to the questions. Most lessons take less than an hour to complete. When you hit “Submit” your answers will be sent to a Study Coach who will respond with additional insights. If you wish to discuss things further with your coach, they’re always just an email away. Explore a new topic. Learn at your own pace. Life Lessons are ready when you are. With over a hundred topics to choose from, there’s a Life Lesson for everyone. (All lessons are free.)

They have great topics on “Life Issues” like:

Dealing with hurts & emotions

Managing time wisely

Secrets: How to stop hiding

Why doesn’t God answer my prayer?

Beating stress

& more…

They even have a 24-hour live chat feature.

Looking forward to seeing what happens! :)  Power to Change Interactive Bible Studies

I’m listening to my favorite song “Lifesong” by Casting Crowns…I’ve been going through some grieving for my son & I was just in despair. I prayed to God to help me. We’ve been having very cloudy weather lately – I got up from my chair & peeked out the blinds and this is what I saw. I immediately thought “There’s always light when you’re in despair.”   It was like God was really helping!  I just HAD to take a picture of this moment so here it is. 🙂